The Real Struggle: A Self Reflection

Talking to myself. Talking for myself.

“You are the real struggle.”

No one had anything to do with the problems with autism. In fact, many of them have been there wanting to help. Already have chosen to move on from past mistakes, but I felt like it was necessary to share something like this to understand what may be a key challenge in what makes the diagnosis would feel like a struggle. The main key struggle (okay to disagree) is ourselves.

My parents always taught me to accept mistakes when things go horribly wrong, and that I know it would be my mistakes. Readers can believe me when I say that I have made many mistakes. May sound cruel when I said to myself that “you are the real struggle” as I see my reflection, but after staring at that person for a while, I had a feeling that this may be the reason why autism may be so hard for those who have it. No one had anything to do with it, to me, they are innocent.

May have limitations whether it is in speech, movements, distractions, social awkwardness, and many other challenges, but the way I see it, those are much smaller challenges while extremely painful, are easy to overcome in due time; Even if it would take a long time to do so. Compared to everything else, the greatest challenge in the topic of autism is ourselves.

• To accept
• To forgive
• To live

What makes this even more challenging is that those that go through this kind of hardship must do it alone. There are people that can help and encourage, but they do not make the decisions. You make the decision.

To accept. It was never about them, it’s about you. No one can be accepted by others if they cannot accept themselves first. Believe me when I say that it took an entire decade to get that through my thick skull; A result was losing friendships easier. Was so blind to realize that I was accepted this whole time. Soon as I began to fully accept myself, that was when Tyler McNamer began to fully emerge. There were and oftentimes are some characteristic oddities, but I always wanted to improve; To be better than I was while never breaking personality but always to expand and thrive.

To forgive. Kept saying I am so sorry to Tyler McNamer, but he has not responded to me at the time. All I ever wanted was forgiveness. Lately I have learned that many have already forgiven me even way before I did some self reflection. But not Tyler. Was just sitting there on his office working on video projects just to take away the pain. All I wanted was for him to say something. Just say something, Tyler! You used to do so much of that. Would visit him in his office sometimes sleeping on his desk with an unfinished project pleading for his forgiveness. Every day; all I ever really wanted was forgiveness, his forgiveness. Then one day he came to me, took me by the hand, shook it, and said: “I forgive you.” Changed my life forever. We are now very close friends. Became one person, no  more separate personas.

To live. Someone saved my life in high school. A classmate. Loneliness, depression, no purpose or motivation; This was before I started writing a book. Told her my what was going to be my final goodbye. Wasn’t the case. She talked to the principal, then Mom and Dad knew about it and even the police were involved. I was not committed to go through with it all. Wasn’t out of cowardice, but just trying to find a purpose. At the time, writing the book was my purpose, being a part of something that I was in elementary school, that felt like a purpose; to understand the entire concept of being social with others, to party, to play, to live. She saved my life, and I never got the chance to say thank you to her in person. To live; Living with myself. To live for others. Would I take on the challenge? I believe so. To live with autism, to live with other abilities. I’ve seen the superstars in the world that has managed to do very well with what they have, they have used their abilities as superpowers. For academics, for entertainment, and for so much more. So much that they have shaped the world. I always believe success comes in many forms, all can be equally rewarding. No accomplishment can ever be too big nor too small when the tasks are completed. One thing that can be accomplished is the ability to live with your ability; That to me is one of the biggest challenges that can be accomplished. Once that is mastered, anything is possible, anything can happen. It pains the heart when there is so much guilt, makes the most sense to feel this way which develops the conscious, but even though it hurts, it is important to keep going headon. Take on the challenges and emerge as a champion. I know it can be done.

To accept, to forgive, and to live. Three main things that go on during the real true struggle. Ourselves. Came to the realisation that it is not just an autism thing; There are a lot of people that may go through the same thing. Worst enemies can be ourselves, but I know there is that hope for peace in all of us. Can be even more challenging when it comes to autism, but I can never compare with other people, that would not be fair. That is why I say can. I speak for myself, and people can follow me if they want to.

This is something that has to be done alone. There is help from others, but the ultimate decision comes from the person him/herself. That is the ultimate challenge. Everyone has this challenge. Doesn’t matter what labels there are, it’s the deeds that make or break a person. Can’t help others if you can’t help yourself. I learned that the hard way; This is how damaging this challenge can be. It will hurt. It will really hurt. But with every damage, there is always a way to repair and to keep moving forward.

Help yourself before helping others.

Accept yourself before being accepted.

Forgive yourself when others have already forgave you.

Live for me.